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But of the 25 couples I encountered, a majority of the relationships were opened at the initiation of the women; only in six cases had it been the men. Even when the decision was mutual, the woman was usually the more sexually active outside the marriage. A year-old woman in Seattle said she opened her marriage after she heard about the concept from another young mom at her book club. I would believe, based on social norms, that married women have a substantially easier time having casual sex than married men.
Or at least the market only clears if men are the ones paying money. Also, if the spouse who makes more money is subsidizing purchases for the lesser-earning spouse, such as a car, clothing, what-have you, those subsidies should stop and the higher earning spouse should start spending that money on other partners. Traditionally, and even to this day, marriage is an exchange involving financial and sexual obligations with the financial obligations falling much more heavily on the man.
I would guess that most women, even those who support open marriage, would never in a million years support it if the man was relieved from his financial obligations. Which by some strange coincidence are far easier for women to obtain than men. Especially if he did it by going to East Asia and finding some pretty young thing who will be able to support her parents as well. In fact, American men whose wives ask for an open marriage should do just that. The whole idea is that you are supposed to find someone else who wants the same thing you do.
If the wives are going out having casual uncommitted sex, they are having it with someone, probably men. So men must also be having casual uncommitted sex—the same amount as women, putting aside the case of same sex affairs. Are you arguing that, for some reason, sex with women in open marriages is easier for single men than for men in open marriages? It is commonly, and I think plausibly, claimed that men have a greater taste for sexual variety than women.
The usual evolutionary explanation is that a woman produces the same number of children per year whether she sleeps with one man or ten, while a man can produce substantially more children by having sex with multiple women. But we now have paternity tests. There are a few problems with your analysis. The most important one is this: As you yourself point out, men have a stronger desire to mate with a variety of women than vice versa.
In an open marriage where the man and woman are roughly average in terms of looks, it will be far far easier for the woman to have casual flings than for the man. To the extent it is an actual benefit for women as a group to have casual, uncommitted sex, the imbalance between men and women is smaller, and it is more difficult for women to obtain casual, uncommitted sex. Of course we are. Single men, and rich men, can afford ti take the married women out to nice restaurants, on trips, etc.
The question answers itself — men who allow their wives to sleep with other men are, by allowing that, low status non-desirable men. That he can also try to sleep with other women is no benefit because he was in exactly that situation before he got married without being tied to a woman who publicly humiliates him. I think that this is complete nonsense.
There are plenty of men interested in having such a relationship. By contrast, an average man in a relationship will have a much harder time.
Yeah, I mentioned this issue in another post. I think most wives who want an open marriage would freak out if their husband took that as license to open up his wallet for other women just like she wants to open her legs for other men.
Hooking up on college campuses has become more frequent than dating in heterosexual sexual interaction. Analysis of the relative benefits and costs associated with dating and hooking up suggest that women benefit more from dating while men benefit more from hooking up.
Males are more likely to favor hooking up, whereas females prefer dating Eshbaugh Sociologists have found after analyzing the costs of dating and hooking up that each gender gains greater benefits from its respective preference. Men are more vulnerable during the traditional dating process. It seems to me that you are selling a model that increases the need for dating, which harms men. You merely argue that an equal number of men and women must end up in secondary relationships which technically is not even true , but you completely ignore the possibility of different costs to achieve those relationships when you say:.
If two people want to get to the top of a mountain, but one person gets to drive a car up the road to the top, while the other is merely allowed to hike a dangerous and cumbersome path, there is no equality, even if they both make it to the top.
It occurs to me that looking at paying for dates and trips actually understates the problem. I would guess that if the husband is financially successful, the wife is a lot less likely to ask for an open marriage. Because she knows that her husband will be able to set up an arrangement with some young hottie. You raise an interesting question: If you are going to have an open marriage, why be married at all?
If a couple is divorced or never-married, they are still free to have sex with each other or with other people. So how is it different to be married? The answer is that marriage entails other obligations, significantly including the pooling of financial resources. Which as a practical matter is a nice way of saying that the man supports his wife and children or at least disproportionately subsidizes their lifestyle.
So much for open marriage. Yes, your typical marriage has an element of prostitution to it. At this point, female preference for high-income high status wealthy men is probably written into our DNA. Uh, why Yes Ozy, existing as a member of the sought after class in an environment that is biased With those odds, it would be difficult for you to fail even in the face of active self sabotage.
Would you like to try again? I am even significantly more expensive and time-consuming than a German prostitute, an Indian surrogate, and a full-time nanny. The only reasonable conclusion here is that he liiiiiiiiiikes me.
This is a really common trait of pair-bonding! In which case you should be ecstatic about polygyny, because by your own argument polygyny is the only situation in which any men will get to experience actually being loved as opposed to being considered a walking pocketbook. My mistake, I thought I read somewhere that you were married to the proprieter of this blog.
Do you live together? How do financial contributions break down? I think that oversimplifies the argument. Think of a marriage as a long term contract in which the partners are exchanging a variety of services, which include sex, production of children, joint household services, financial support, ….
We observe, as a pretty consistent pattern, that men often pay women to have sex with them, women rarely pay men to have sex with them. That suggests that, in equilibrium, the market price of sex provided by a woman is positive, by a man negative. Your account of the current German market suggests, however, that the sign of the price in the market equilibrium is still the same. Along related lines, if women regard a child without a father willing to help rear it as a net cost, a child with a father willing to help rear it as a net benefit, then the fact that part of what the husband is contributing is his commitment to help rear the resulting children is a significant difference between marriage and prostitution.
I think GregQ covered this below. I think there are other things besides sex and money in play, but those are the big two. Especially if you tie reproduction into sex. How do the finances break down? Lol, you have got to be kidding. The person I asked is all to eager to volunteer information about her sex life in order to bolster her argument. Thank you so much for your concern, but it seems that sometimes replies get buried in other comments on this board. The only option that allows you to flatter yourself is that he liiiiiiiikes you.
Cannot work or hold a job, requires financial support, on the autism spectrum, other psychiatric illness, tied to current city, strong opinions on the far fringe of the dominant tribe in the area, does not comprehend normal social cues, little interest in changing any of these things, sparkling truth-bombing personality.
When stated by Kevin, people responded with something between sympathy and barely restrained contempt, some advising him never to procreate and virtually all concluding that he is patently fucked unless he can change most of those limitations. I reap a lot of spoils if I push, while acknowledging that the system looks terrible for the majority of other men, and would be for me as well if I wanted to relax and stop hustling.
My only real problem with Poly is in conjunction with forced alimony and child support. My preferred solution to this, is to change the norm of women being able to expect involuntary support, and for them to be expected to stand on their own feet and work for a living.
This is equality at its finest. I assure you, my husband and I have discussed child custody, property division and alimony arrangements in great detail before we married. While this is a private matter, I very much doubt he would have any reluctance to divorce me for financial reasons. While there is a gender imbalance in the rationalist community, Topher is not a rationalist and not particularly interested in marrying a rationalist, and anyway he possesses the rare and striking ability to ask girls out.
A substantial number of women do not take maximal advantage of the law and the chance is surely quite high that you are part of that segment, yet there is clearly also a large group that does take advantage of the non-egalitarian laws. Not infrequently, the animosity that led to the split and desire by people to not feel regret leads to ex-partners shifting from the assumption of good faith that existed during their relationship to the assumption of bad faith afterwards.
Normies often tend to think in absolutes, which tends to result in great surprise then they end up losing a gamble. Do you suppose many men get married expecting to be divorced and left paying support for decades? Yes, The rationalist community skews male, as does the entire bay area. It would appear that as is the case in most marriages, her husband out-earns her by a significant amount. Which is fortunate from the point of stability — in marriages where the wife out-earns the husband, the incidence of divorce is shockingly high.
Why is this important? More importantly, it illustrates one of the unwritten rules of marriage: The parties are supposed to pool their financial resources and the brunt of the pooling is normally born mostly by the man. Of course people are free to enter into unequal relationships — some people may even prefer it.
How many partners do you have? If you have one or more partners, what is the average number of partners they have? If you have one or more partners, what is the highest number of partners any of these has?
Like, if the friendship paradox effect were strong in men, but weak to negative in women, that would strongly imply predominant polyandry, and vice versa. Even when both effects are positive, relative effect size would be useful.
That paradox is only veridical, and understanding why it happens can turn that confusion into useful data. Or, wait, to put it more clearly. F ratio, then sure, lots of poly relationships will be multiple men to one woman. High-status men keeping harems is the norm historically, conforms to stereotypes and personal experience about relative sex drives, and makes sense biologically. History is suggestive of the underlying biological forces, even if their exact manifestation changes depending on the cultural and economic context.
So the basic pattern has hardly vanished, because the underlying biological forces have not changed. However, those social structures were not arbitrary, but themselves derived from the underlying psychology of our species.
The prevailing pattern is grounded in biology, and thus unlikely to change. The underlying psychology of our species is usually filtered through utilitarian need. The bar against such an arrangement is not human psychology or human nature, but the tendency for low-paternal-investment societies to be defeated in warfare and to be less productive since more energy must be devoted to competition for mates.
Modern polyamory, with genetic testing and family planning, can potentially avoid some of these downsides. AFAIK, matriarchal societies are the lizardmen of lizardmen in the realm of societal structures.
Are the historical drivers of polygyny being the dominant paradigm societal or biological? I do think that humility should imply caution, though.
This is closer to the reason that I am not down with polyamory. Lower-class people fail to use family planning and STD testing, let alone genetic testing, in an at-all reliable way. The rosy picture that quote expects is a pipe dream. But should this trend trickle down to less weird, less obsessively conscientious communities, I expect pain and tragedy. You can already see how the slope is slipping from gay marriage into polyamory, and how it could go from there into incest.
A fun quote from a friend of mine: Elites had access to sufficient surplus income that they could afford to maintain portions of the household read: Though it should be noted that this was not always the case: For European peasants, labor was at a premium due to the time-sensitive nature of agricultural tasks, familial poverty, and the lack of modern labor-saving devices, and so women, men, and children all worked in the fields.
Town populations which grew wealtheir attempted to gain prestige through aping the practices of the elite, and so it became de rigeur for any respectable burgher to have a stay-at-home wife.
Though even here there were exceptions; brewing, innkeeping, and small-scale crafting were all significant sources of trade expertise and income for non-peasant women. Brewing and innkeeping was perhaps the most respectable kind of job for women from the dawn of civilization until the Industrial Revolution. A quick google does not turn up any Kug-Bau beers. Even more generally speaking, I suspect that polyamory, as practiced within the rationalist community, probably differs quite a bit the version of polyamory that might be practiced anywhere else.
A large majority of poly people who are dating at least one person are dating at least two people, and this is approximately as true for women as for men. Sure, dance has more relationships in general — presumably related to having closer to gender parity, but possibly also being a more outgoing community.
I just meant in terms of gender dynamics. In my area there is a large polyamorous community and a small rationalist community. It has noticeably more men. The polyamorous community has more women than men, but not by much. In both communities most people are but several are older and a few are younger. The poly community has quite a few pagans, believers in astrology, etc. Even some liberal Christians. In the poly community, friends with benefits and casual dating are common, but high-commitment relationships and relationships with significant logistical entanglement are also common.
I am part of such a graph containing at least 30 people. There are also a few individuals who have only one partner and hardly ever date anyone else, while their partner has other partners.
A bit more of these are men than women. This is the same pattern I use with platonic friends too. I know zero men who cohabit with more than one female partner and no other men. I know a few women who cohabit with more than one male partner and no other women. I also know of households containing multiple men and women. One example is a woman Alice who was living with both of her male partners, one of whom she has bio-kids with Ben , and the other Carl has kids from his previous relationship living there too.
Alice has other partners outside the household, as does Carl. Platonic relationships are also acknowledged as having high potential for intimacy, attachment, and commitment. I think many cases where polyamory exists are a successful adaptation to communities with very skewed gender ratios. Lower-IQ people less likely? Openly having multiple concurrent partners is a lifestyle only accepted among upper class progressives, a high IQ subset of Americans.
Country club membership is probably also strongly correlated with high IQ, for the same reason. Polyamory, by definition, requires everyone involved to be informed about the non-monogamous rules of the relationship and to consent to them.
Therefore neither serial monogamy nor cheating are polyamory. This is quite of an assumption. I think this is an entirely unjustified assumption. Though, both for duration and single-parenthood rates, we should really have more than just a single datapoint each to generalize from….
It sort of depends. But people who thought about themselves and their options and decided for monogamy are no less enlightened. Enlightenment is about making decisions instead of passively letting the world around you make a decision for you. Often conventional wisdom is smarter than you. Poly people are pretty aggressive proselytizers. As a poly person, I have literally never observed this happening. That said, in my experience, omnivores have far more difficulty shutting up about being omnivores than vegans have about being vegan.
Bay Area rationalists are pretty much the central example of anglospheric weirdness. Would you like a burger? I have been vegetarian since I was three years old. I am grateful for it every day! I am very far from any Bay Area Rationalist circles. There are only two things I can think of to explain the common perception. When someone gets you to admit that you think he is the equivalent of a torturer, and then gets offended, he is offended by your beliefs.
I feel like the whole EA menu-ghazi thing probably deserves a mention as well but that was a distinctly weird-on-weird conflict. You see we have norms. These norms exist so that we might coexist in relative peace. I went to public elementary and middle schools and a Catholic high school in Miami followed by a small liberal arts college, which I agree was unusual ; the former had a normal cross-section of the population, and the latter had a normal-cross section of the wealthy Catholic Republican population.
You can be silent about the result of your judgment, but the judgment itself is a logical consequence of your beliefs and cannot be avoided. You inject testosterone and claim to be delighted at the disgusted reactions you get from people when you go out jogging. Wait, your argument is that my observations about the behaviors of omnivores in middle school are incorrect because more than a decade later I transitioned? Are you seriously claiming that 9 out of every 10 people you meet mocks your dietary habits?
If so, I would strongly encourage you to escape your obviously toxic social environment and burn every bridge behind you. Like I said, people who do not appreciate or follow a norm that they themselves are benefiting from are a bugbear of mine. Sleeping around is already a norm for a sizable number of the population, there are plenty of valuable cultural adaptations for monogamous relationships, but very few for alternative relationship configurations which is one of the reasons the current dating scene is such shit.
People lack the norms and social expectations to reliably coordinate in a positive-sum way. The poly community has spent a ton of time trying to develop a collection of norms around sex and relationships that I think would benefit everyone. As a poly person I would never encourage mono people who are having relationship issues to switch over to poly.
This reminds me of an idea SSC once considered: This explains their fear that it could plausibly take over society: Perhaps some a lot of negative responses to poly are grounded in a similar sense. Stop messing with it. The conservative argument against polyamory is essentially the classical argument against utilitarianism. That said, it seems to me I successfully characterized part of the objection you mention.
The set of people who are tempted to cheat and the set of people is relationships are equal: What a cruel world, where naturally polyamorous people are pressured into relationships with boilerplate expectations of monogamy! Where intolerant bigots insist that their husbands not step out on them with other women, not even considering how horny they are! I have personally known several couples who became monogamous because they realized that neither of them wanted to date other people.
I also know of many people in poly relationships who seem uninterested in dating more than one person. It would be very surprising to me if the only people with such a preference are those with a history of polyamory. Perhaps a desire to sleep with multiple people is very common , but it is most certainly not universal. But rather, everyone wants to have the option to sleep with other people when they decide they want to.
I think the most compelling is wanting your partner to be happy if they are the sort of person who might want to sleep with others. Options are quite valuable. Here are some words I have been using: BUT, if you are against anarchy it could well be in part because you think people would commit all sorts of wrongful takings under anarchy, and you might think this in part because you feel like you would be tempted to behave that way.
But both of you could observe that you are not typical and that in fact there are lots of people like you and different from you and come to a more nuanced appreciation of what would happen under anarchy.
I am telling you it is not necessarily about sleeping with others or having the option of sleeping with others. Firstly, as Matt M pointed out, not everyone is tempted to cheat all of the time. But over the course of a lifelong committed relationship it will come up eventually. The second is that this social mores work at the margins. Your friends would never look at anyone except their partners, sure. But what about the guy who hits his midlife crisis and starts eyeing the cute redhead at the gym?
Or the woman who has a fight with her fiance and starts saying to herself how much better looking her yoga instructor is. Poly narratives are already responsible for a lot of heartbreak and that will only increase with more acceptance.
People are already far too eager to break up functional relationships over trifles. Lowering the barrier to exit a LTR even further is exactly the opposite of what we need. Someone else who has their own reasons for not engaging in wrongful takings might be less likely to fear this aspect of anarchy.
People lie, cheat and steal. You are not convincing me that this is different from the idea about homophobia. The narrow point I was raising was that there is a reason you might expect the kinds of belief you express to be held precisely by those who think that desire for sex with others during a monogamous partnership is universal. It has already caused a lot of anguish, probably. Think of the children. That should set off some alarm bells. All I did here was point out a similarity between part of this conversation and a thing that might explain part of homophobia.
You can draw your own conclusions from the apparent similarity, or you can try to deny it. And this story is not unfalsifiable. These logical jumps only make me more strongly suspect motivated reasoning.
Right, and several of us responded by pointing to significant dissimilarities that you have yet to address. Claiming that two things are alike so long as we ignore the differences is essentially a null argument. If what you are saying is that there are differences as well as similarities, I agree.
That seems to me an important element of comparison. What is the one significant dissimilarity you are talking about? Perhaps the dissimilarity you are talking about is that everybody wants the option of cheating but not everybody wants the option of homosexuality. I and others have repeatedly contested that. My comparison, if apt, does not disclaim that some people have such beliefs; on the contrary it offers a partial explanation of why such beliefs might arise.
No, the dissimilarity is that you benefit from norms against promiscuity even if you are polyamorous just as a utilitarian benefits from norms against defection. Just as a homosexual person benefits from norms against homosex, because homosex is sinful and dangerous?
Just as a homosexual person benefits from norms against homosex, because homosex is sinful and dangerous.
I think an argument that is incapable of distinguishing bad from good social change is more of a guaranteed loser than one that attempts to find principled distinctions. I think you misinterpreted me? You spend effort insulting someone that points out the last fence was pretty damned important too because even pointing out the bad consequences of that means that progressive will think less of you for in this case being a ooooh homophobe.
This is a party which never conserves anything. Its history has been that it demurs to each aggression of the progressive party, and aims to save its credit by a respectable amount of growling, but always acquiesces at last in the innovation.
What was the resisted novelty of yesterday is today one of the accepted principles of conservatism; it is now conservative only in affecting to resist the next innovation, which will tomorrow be forced upon its timidity, and will be succeeded by some third revolution to be denounced and adopted in its turn.
American conservatism is merely the shadow that follows Radicalism as it moves towards perdition. I think it is far more principled to have some things from the past you think are good things and other things from the past you think are terrible; presumably any culture gets some things right and other things very wrong. For instance, as a generally quite liberal person, I can name several social changes I would quite like to reverse, such as the transition from animal husbandry to factory farming and the tremendous loss of freedom children have experienced.
Leaving aside factory farming for now the loss of freedom for children is a social adaptation driven by the results of earlier social changes that were favored by — if not you specifically — all culturally liberal people.
Disapproval of bastardry was confining to women so out it went. The result is that people have to work very hard to be able to afford racial segregation — working more hours, delaying child-rearing, investing more in fewer children.
Diversity destroys social trust. People used to allow their children out unsupervised because lots of people in the neighborhood where everyone was integrated into a social network would keep eyes on them and keep a lookout for outsiders. Your comments turn a plea for understanding the past into a requirement that people perfectly predict the future. The usual assumption is that someone will not produce a child with a secondary.
Also, in either an open marriage or your friends with benefits, there is usually no link between A and B who are both partners of C. In the typical polyamorous group, A and B at least know and like each other, may themselves be lovers. Good point, but in small enough social circles e. I mean, if these same people constantly wrote about the need for parent licenses we want children to grow up in at least a somewhat equally good environment after all or some such I could take them more seriously, as it is I start to suspect that they are emotionally against poly and then they work backwards.
An interesting point, particularly since the historical pattern is actually an intergenerational home, in which grandparents assisted in raising the children.
Thus our atomized nuclear family hehe actually provides less care for children than the historical norm. I remember back when I was a little kid in public school and they were trying to sell divorce to us. And yes, I think most people even in traditional societies have tacitly accepted this sort of thing so long as it is understood that everybody will be formally paired off by child-raising time.
Formalizing polyamory as a lifestyle rather than a phase, is a substantial change from the tacitly-accepted norm. This seems unlikely and has long-term demographic issues if true. This is simply due to economies of scale. Maintaining a single household is cheaper than maintaining multiple households, which means more money left over.
This may be true with high-IQ nerds. I doubt it is true of normal humans. Indeed, in our modern liberal society, the lower classes cannot even seem to navigate 2-parent marriages. This is the most important problem with this article and many others like it. If a way of life has great potential to be harmful for the worst off, it should be stigmatized, and those who are truly committed to living it should be willing to work through the stigma to live how they want.
People with low-conscientiousness are nonresponsive to stigma for the same reason they are nonresponsive to other, more severe social incentives like firing, bankruptcy, arrest. This means that the only people stigma harms are the people who are conscientious and prudent enough that the stigma matters to them. And these are the kind of people who can safely engage in the stigmatized behavior anyway. But when it comes to extralegal social norms like stigma it hits the nail on the head again and again.
Another obvious example is the lowered birth rate in modern countries. A lot of it is intelligence, time preference, risk aversion, etc. Also, I strongly disagree with the overall narrative sketched out. Homosexuality is stigmatized which I disagree with to a significant degree in lower-class communities—and that has a serious negatize impact.
Norming effects are real throughout the class distribution, and are probably stronger among people who have stronger senses of community. Also if you think the main and only thing that concerns the conservatives is the amount of resources, you may need to seriously upgrade your knowledge about conservatives. Have more resources does not equal give more resources. In principle this is entirely possible without polyamory, though it does probably provide a good Schelling point w.
Is there some reason to believe that in a 2 man — 1 woman relationship 1: In either case, should we expect the half siblings to treat each other as well as their whole siblings?
Evolution is not sophisticated enough to program people to care about genetics. It just programmed people to care about people that they grew up with, because in the ancestral environment you were almost always related to those people. Look up numbers on how often step parents abuse step children physically and sexually compared to biological parents. Cultural transmission of the idea of wicked step-mothers and wicked step-fathers happens because these are very dangerous situations for children.
Evolution sure as hell is sophisticated enough to get unrelated adults to treat unrelated children as unrelated. Now look at the split between stepparents who raised their stepchildren from infancy or nearly so, and those who stepped in at a later age.
Ghatanathoah is mostly correct. Humans have a very limited ability to determine who is or is not genetically related to one another, so evolution cannot program us to treat people differently based on genetics. Evolution instead programs us to treat people differently based on how much time we have spent with them at various stages. I suspect John Schilling is directionally right, though a large part of the effect is probably selection bias: Evolution is sophisticated enough for tomcats to figure things out, apparently relying on their sense of smell.
Which will resolve either by adopting them as family, or by bashing their head in after X hours of incessant crying that you are expected to stop, but in either case before incest becomes a major issue. If dogs created art, it would surely be smell-based.
My understanding of Mans advantage in running is that we are endurance hunters, or capable of endurance hunting, something I believe only wolves also engage in. This hunting method is still practiced today by some African tribes. I am not sure how well this translates to a marathon. How often do these stories have the children of various mothers being communally raised?
Take just about any European fairy tale. How does the step-mother come off? A lot of those stories have older variants where the villain was the biological mother e. Or indeed just look at the real world, where step-parents are significantly more likely to abuse their children than biological parents are. Not polyamorous or particularly close to anyone who is, so I could be totally missing the point here, and I ask these questions in good faith out of curiosity.
Only people they actually have sex or other romantic engagement with, or everyone in their group? Would a heterosexual man in a triad with another man and a woman say he had one partner or two? What about the woman? What percentage of polyamorous people are gay, bisexual, or asexual?
Probably much higher than the general population? If so that might also skew things. How do the partner numbers of those people map out? This strikes me as one of those things that sort of obviously exists but will be notoriously difficult to detect. I recall a few years back a blogger a sort of third string New Atheist announced one day that he was polyamorous and his marriage was ending.
So, there was an NYT Magazine article about open marriages. On the other hand, the article seemed positive — there have been various articles that seem to be kinda-sorta pushing open relationships in various upper-middlebrow publications like NYT Magazine , New York magazine, etc. Elizabeth did not announce that the friendship was turning romantic, but she did not deny it either, when Daniel, uneasy with the frequency of her visits with Joseph, confronted her.
He was suddenly an outsider in his own marriage, scrambling for scraps of information and a sense of control. This was not at all what Daniel had in mind when he proposed opening the marriage. It was like I was choosing to take a stand for my own pleasure and sticking to it. It was so strong, that feeling. After several months of surveying the situation, which seemed to be deadlocked, the therapist told them in early March that she thought they were most likely heading for divorce.
It was the first time the word had been uttered aloud in that room. She told him, that night, that she was ready to give up the relationship with Joseph if Daniel could not make peace with it. This opening of our marriage started to seem less like something that was being done to me, and more like something we were doing together. The idea that he might get some say in it, instead of just getting cheated on, leads him to agree to an open marriage. This one is kind of open and shut.
At Poly Cocktails, the wife who was watching her Brooklyn husband flirt said that although they had opened their marriage a few months earlier, she was the only one of the two of them who was seeing anyone: And if it ever stopped being that, I would get out.
Her husband told me he had little interest in putting in the work necessary for even casual flings. She gets to date a rich guy and a soccer player, while still having the comfort of her main relationship. This, again, seems like a pretty uneven arrangement. How do you mean? You left out the part where earlier in the marriage he suggested opening it up and she said no.
It makes him somewhat less sympathetic. But as with any happy marriage, there were frustrations. She thought hers was the normal response: She was raised by strict Catholics, she would tell Daniel, as if that explained it, and she never saw her own parents hold hands, much less kiss. It was not as if she and Daniel never had sex, but when they did, Daniel often felt lonely in his desire for something more — not necessarily exotic sex but sex in which both partners cared about it, and cared about each other, with one of those interests fueling the other.
How great does sex have to be for a person to be happy? Occasionally, when he decided the answer was yes, and he felt some vital part of himself dwindling, Daniel would think about a radical possibility: It was both an outlandish idea and, to him, a totally rational one. He eventually even wrote about it in for a friend who had a blog about sexuality. He was in his late 30s when he decided to broach the subject with Elizabeth gingerly: They had two children, and he pointed out that having the second did not detract from how much they loved the first one.
Elizabeth did not resent him for bringing it up, but felt stuck: She was not even sure what, exactly, he wanted from her, or how she could give it. Her response to him proposing opening the marriage — on the grounds that he was more interested in sex than she was; more attracted to her than she to him — was, no. Then, when she finds a guy she is actually attracted to, she cheats what happened to her Catholic upringing? When she gets caught, what her husband suggested and she shot down some time before becomes the new state of affairs.
I agree she comes off as worse off, but I also agree neither comes off well. While I have observed this happening, I strongly suspect involuntarily monogamous people are far more common. Generally speaking, your partners are those you have a direct relationship with.
In a triad, every partner has a direct relationship with the other two members of the triad. So both the man and the woman would have 2 partners. IME, that certainly happens, but it not particularly common.
What are they getting out of that situation? That seems highly unlikely to me. IME, the situation above arises because Alice really wants to be with Bob for some reason.
Bob is poly and refuses to become monogamous with Alice. And while Alice could find other partners, Alice is fixated on Bob and will stick with him no matter how bad an idea this is. Either way, they break up and everyone is happier. Someone in this role is going to have a much easier time finding a relationship if they are in a position to become a monogamous partner.
Full disclosure, my situation is pretty much exactly what is described. I am in an open relationship. Have a wife and children. Opened the marriage maybe ten years ago. Would end it except that this would cause great suffering for the children and a financial catastrophe not so much for me but for my wife.
Unsurprisingly it is relatively easy for my wife to find prospects for sex, and relatively difficult for me. While I could no doubt close the marriage again by threatening to leave, it would gain me nothing. And I would expect that most similar relationships would eventually disintegrate, with the attendant downsides if children are involved. And honestly, as the child of divorced parents, I wish my parents had divorced a decade earlier and spared me and each other their years of growing mutual hatred.
Divorce is hard on children, but so are unhappy marriages. Seconded based on similar personal experience on the divorce front. I appreciate your advice, but I am actually not unhappy and my marriage is not characterized by growing mutual hatred. Reflecting on this comment thread as a whole is moving me to a more negative position on polyamory. The people poorly served by the practice seem to be 1. I worry that the network effects inherent in the polyamorous model would compel these groups to participate in a system that poorly serves their reproductive and emotional needs and disadvantages them in the mating market.
I am apprehensive about the spread of a practice that would complicate the lives of high-parental-investment men and women who are reasonably satisfied with one lifetime partner. I know a lot of poly people who only have one relationship.
Most of the time, this is by choice: What am I missing here, exactly? Me male and my partner female both fit this definition. Nothing, nothing at all. Obviously in that case I wanted a monogamous relationship — but that option was not given to me. But I am confused. Did you prefer to be in the relationship on those terms, or not?
My advice is that naturally monogamous people in polyamorous relationships never ends well. It is much better to pull off the Band-Aid now than suffer through a couple years of misery that ends in exactly the thing you want to avoid. It is still a stupid-ass decision. Nevertheless, in my experience, relationships where one person has way more partners than the other person are almost never instances of a naturally monogamous person making a stupid-ass decision because that decision is clearly idiotic so most people are smart enough to avoid it.
Right, and this is where I think that elite silicon valley high IQ snobs fall dangerously off course. Do you really find it implausible that someone might be happy with an arrangement in which they have one partner, who has multiple partners? How do you justify your belief that a particular human is naturally monogamous, polyamorous, polygynous or polyandrous?
Jaskologist, in what sense do you find the idea of someone being naturally monogamous hard to swallow?
If the latter, you may be right; if the former, I assure you that I for one would strongly prefer to have exactly one partner.
In other words, if you spend any time researching the topic you will come across very specific advice on how to avoid making a stupid decision. And sure, breaking up with somebody you love sucks either way. But this is really no different than any other way your partner might identify a boundary as a deal breaker for them.
See the examples further above mentioned by dndnrsn, where one partner decided to be polyamorous while the other person just went along. Now people who happily! Consider someone deciding that he will, from now on, sometimes communicate with his wife using physical force. She is free to hit back, of course. Nevermind co-dependance describes pretty much exactly the mechanism by which genetically monogamous species such as owl monkeys are possible and that this biological mechanism has been shown to exist more or less in humans too.
The Element of Surprise: Monogamy does not at all guard against jealousy. This goes both ways and often involves compromises. Just to pitch in on this in particular: I am a woman in a relationship where I have a primary who would rather be in a monogamous relationship with me. He understands my problem and is allowing me to be polyamourous is his part of our compromise.
My part of the compromise is a massive financial commitment, in the form that I take a sabbatical every time I want to spend vacation time with my other relationships, so that my actual paid vacation time is dedicated to my primary at the moment this means I have no savings — working on it. Is he not as happy as he maximally could be?
Is he happy with the arrangement in absolute terms? Of course, the revealed preference route could lead us to suggest that spousal abuse is a net good for society, right? I mean, clearly the abuser enjoys it and derives a great deal of utility from it given the reputational, not to mention real legal risk involved. So overall net utility is increased, right? So surely an enlightened society would embrace domestic violence and stop telling consenting adults how to live their lives, right?
My husband is an example. My husband is very definitely poly; in fact, monogamy was one of his dealbreakers about finding a spouse. I think it would be very much a mistake to call him monogamous not the least because the average monogamous person would probably frown on their husband having six one-night-stands a year!
X and Y are in a monogamous relationship. X has monogamous preferences and feels like they have low mate value and would struggle to get on without Y. X should leave the relationship or refuse to open the relationship.
I say this as someone who was in the above situation but chose to not agree to open the relationship. She then cheated on me; I immediately broke up with her. My position is that people are, in general, too reluctant to break up relationships that are making them miserable.
I understand that people have this issue; I have had this issue in the past as well. However, speaking with all the fervency of a new convert to a way of doing things, it is actually a very easily solvable problem. You should break up with people who are making you miserable. And it surely would not make sense to socially forbid having a high libido, being an extrovert, or failing to own a dishwasher. In addition, this seems to be fake consensualism. In fact, I suspect many naturally poly people never find polyamory, and instead become serially monogamous, repeat cheaters, or people who devote large amounts of willpower to miserably forcing themselves not to cheat.
So to the extent you think this is a problem, the solution is destigmatizing polyamory! Ozy Say if someone is physically? I imagine there could be many reasons for someone to stay in a sub-par relationship, from financial and emotional dependency to fear of loneliness and loss of status, without the abuser having actually worked to or even choosing to create that dependency.
The point Matt and are I think trying to make, and which I agree with, are that these are in practice much closer scenarios than you would like to admit. In both cases, an objective dispassionate observer can clearly recognize departure strategies that solve the problem. There are substantial differences between polyamory and violent abuse.
Suppose Alice and Bob are a couple that has the rule that both partners are permitted to be in romantic relationships with other people. However, only Alice actually has multiple partners — Bob, for whatever reason, only has one. Do you find it implausible that Bob might be happy with this situation? So you can be poly while only having one partner, or even while being single. Sorry, that sounds like a deeply unpleasant situation. But, in answer to your original question, it could simply be that they are free to date additional people if they change their mind.
I think there are three distinct groups of people. If you think about it sensibly, if your partner really really really wants to be poly, and you only kinda want to be mono, then being poly is the best solution for everyone, because if you love someone you want them to be happy.
Never getting jealous is not realistic. Everyone gets jealous sometimes. I spent a while with only my wife as a partner while she had multiple partners. That was an awesome part of my life. I had a lot of space and free time to explore my various interests and was very happy. I loved it so much, I very seriously considered switching to that state of affairs permanently. I eventually decided to seek out other relationships, but I know people who are completely satisfied having exactly one partner and love the space that the time away from their partner gives them.
Asking for an open marriage is often a bad sign of where a relationship is headed. One person may interpret that request as permission to formalize the infidelity already going or about to go on regardless of the answer. On the other hand, maybe the person asking would simply drop it and never say anything again.
Sometimes a good marriage will take a turn for the worse over a short period of time and then ends but if they had gotten through it they would have stayed together. Having someone else have sex with your partner is just another potential complication.
Differences in extraversion levels. So, I just discussed this comment with my primary a. I think the truth is more complicated. My extrovert wife is the exact opposite on all these metrics. She craves all sorts of external social stimulation, and gets it from her circle of friends.
But she is happy as a clam when I take the kids on vacation without her. But the point is, she never gets lonely at least in the space of a week. Either accept that, or we have to break up.
The heart wants many conflicting things. I have a natural preference to build a life together with my wife and carve out a section of the world for us and ours. But I also have a natural preference to bang every pretty little thing that smiles up at me red hair or no.
Again, the heart wants many conflicting things. You control the volume verbally or by turning a ring at the top of the cylinder.
The ring lights up in various pretty colors that move around to indicate it's listening or responding. If you have a soft voice or are too far away, you can control the sound by pressing the buttons or speaking into the microphone of the remote, which includes a magnetic holder that can be attached to metal surfaces an adhesive strip is also included. On the whole, Echo is remarkably good at understanding anyone, but you have the option of giving it further voice training in the Echo App on your PC, tablet, or phone.
Connecting the unit to your wi-fi is relatively painless as it's swiftly and automatically detected when you first sign in on the app setup page. Unless you switch its microphone button off, the tower is always listening for its "wake-up word," either "Alexa" or "Amazon," or waiting for you to press its "action button.
As with an iPhone, talking to Echo is akin to a game of Simon Says that regularly produces non sequiturs and apologies for its lack of comprehension, especially if your sentences are complex or longer than a few words. When stumped, it opens a Bing web search generally a Wikipedia entry in the Echo App on your computer or hand-held device it won't consult Google.
This app keeps a record of all questions, responses, and lists, and it allows you to choose music providers and tweak settings. Some folk will surely wonder whether Amazon is listening for things they don't want it to hear, but I'm extremely skeptical about any secret conspiracy. The company has neither the manpower nor the motivation to eavesdrop on so many people.
If Amazon violates our privacy, it will lose millions of customers and billions of dollars as a result of bad publicity and lawsuits. And the NSA is certainly capable of doing amazingly scary stuff, but if you really think the U.
Since I own a Kindle Fire, belong to Amazon Prime, and purchase music online, I'm clearly the target demographic for this device. No doubt Amazon hopes Echo will increase music sales. You might want to wait for it to get a bit smarter or add more functions. For example, an ability to handle phone calls and take dictation would be obvious advantages, and there's no reason it can't offer trivia games or, as I've already mentioned, stock prices, world records, and translations.
And how about a feature that allows you to replace the alarm with a reminder memo? There are many, many as-yet unexplored or unimplemented possibilities, but my family and I are enjoying Echo thus far!
By Kamisake on February 7, I agree with the review except for the sound quality of the thing. It does not sound tinny at all. Now it's no match to my 7. Perfect for playing music in the kitchen while cooking or when doing homework, working, etc. By hammer on July 22, Now that is a great product review. Get fast answers from reviewers.
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